Thursday, 11 October 2012

Cats have slaves

I have a cat. I love her and she appreciates me. She hates living here but there is nothing I can do about that, except to be kind to her.
A while back someone emailed this to me. I will share it with you. Funny. My cat has only a small problem with tablets; we usually get either an injection of drops for hiding in her food. Do you know why?

How to give a cat a tablet

  • Pick up the cat and cradle it lovingly in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Place right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while holding the tablet in the right hand. As the cat opens her mouth, pop the tablet into her mouth. Allow the cat to close her mouth and swallow. Talk sweetly to the cat to consolidate affectionate action.
  • Retrieve the tablet from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa. Cradle the cat in left arm again and repeat the process.
  • Retrieve the cat from under the bed and throw the soggy disintegrating tablet in the bin. Locate the bandaids.
  • Take a new tablet from the foil wrapper. 
  • Cradle the cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push tablet to the back of the mouth with your right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  • Retrieve tablet from light fitting and cat from the top of your valuable antique wardrobe. 
  • Summon spouse from the garden. Extend vocabulary by using new swear words. Apply bandaids.
  • Locate furniture polish, dustpan, and insurance policy. Find half-used tablets and set aside on bench.
  • Kneel on the floor while holding the cat firmly. Cover cat's legs with shirt. Ignore low growls from cat and spouse.
  • Get spouse to hold the cat's head while you open the wild and thrashing beast's mouth and drop the tablet onto the tongue. Massage the throat firmly after closing mouth tight.
  • Discard torn shirt. Retrieve cat from behind the freezer. 
  • Get out another tablet. Check prices on packaging. Consider reusing tablets on bench.
  • Wrap cat in a large towel with head out but claws contained. Ignore scratches in paintwork on new freezer.

  • Hold cat on lap while sitting in chair in closed room. Put tablet in the end of a drinking straw. Force the mouth open and blow down the straw. 
  • Check package label to see if this drug is harmful to humans. Open a bottle of beer and drink all in an effort to take away the sour taste in throat.
  • Transfer to bedroom. Open cat's mouth and flick tablet into mouth. 
  • Apply bandaids to spouse's arm. Remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw torn towel in bin. 
  • Retrieve cat from behind twenty pairs of shoes inside wardrobe. 
  • Ignore pounding on front door by concerned neighbourhood vigilante.
  • Open bottle of scotch and have a small tumbler to steady nerves. Offer some to the cat. 
  • Check medical records for date of last tetanus shot. Check date of cat's last vaccination. Apply cold compress to swollen cheek. Apply antiseptic cream to wounds on arms, neck, and legs. Throw away blood soaked shirt. Open door to talk with vigilante.
  • Find long pruning gloves. Wrap cat. Open cat's mouth. Blow air in cat's eyes. Push tablet to back of cat's tongue. Hold mouth shut. Count to ten. Relax. Drink another tumbler of scotch. Regret opening door.
  • Retrieve tablet from floor. Call Fire and Emergency Services to collect cat from top of neighbour's tree.
  • Apologise to motor bike rider who crashed into brick fence while avoiding cat. Present him with spare bottle of whiskey that you were saving for Christmas.
  • Request assistance from three fireman and the motorbike rider with Hell's Angels logo on jacket. Place new tablet into cat's mouth followed by small spoonful of Beluga caviar, again a Christmas delicacy. Done!
  • Consume every alcoholic beverage you can find while waiting for ambulance.
  • Sit sullenly but quietly in hospital cubicle while doctor stitches fingers, arm, and cheek. 
  • Answer all question from Police officer. 
  • Answer all questions from RSPCA ranger.
  • Phone vet and arrange injection instead of tablets. 
  • Arrange mortgage to pay vet and medical bills. 
  • Consider moving house to avoid obligation to Hells Angels.

How to give a dog a tablet.
  • Toss it in the air near the dog.
  • Pat dog on head afterwards and offer him a treat.
  • Go for a walk.

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