Saturday, 27 April 2013

Silly

Jokes and funny posters are popular among my friends and relatives.
Statistics can always be manipulated.
Ridiculous isn't it.
I hope you enjoy these. I admit I have no genuine knowledge of where they originate.  I do not know if the claimed origin of the court comments are true. Somebody owns the copyright.

But I laughed.


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:   My name is Susan!
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:   No, I just lie there.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
WITNESS:   July 18th. 
ATTORNEY: What year? 
WITNESS:   Every year. 
_____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
WITNESS:   Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
WITNESS:   Forty-five years. 
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:   Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:   I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:   He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:   Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:   Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:   Getting laid
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS:   Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS:   Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:   By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:   Take a guess.
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:   He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:   Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:   No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:   All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:   Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:   The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:   If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
___________________________________________________________
This photo was used for advertising a Mr Bean film.

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